Anything But Selfish
by Karen Rhine
Summary: Commander Shepard has had to make a lot of tough decisions in her life, and her career. In her personal life, there are very few she has regretted making. This one, however, might just be one of them. Takes place at end of ME3. Shepard/Garrus Shepard/Kaidan Rated M for slight sexual situations.


"A quick drink. And then I'll go."

Shepard watched as Kaidan walked down the steps of her cabin and went to sit on the couch. She stood there for a moment, feeling hesitant. Part of her told her no. That this was wrong. It all felt wrong, he needed to go. The other part of her told her that it was okay, she wanted this. She chose this.

Slowly, she went over to sit next to him. He poured them both some wine and handed her a glass, his fingers lingering on hers once she took it.

Her heart was pounding. She drank the wine a little too quickly. She took the bottle from him as he talked, trying to reassure her that she had done everything she needed to, and poured herself another drink. As she finished it, and then a third, Kaidan reached out and touched her cheek, leaning in and kissing her gently.

"I lied," he whispered. "I didn't come here for a quick drink."

Her head was spinning a bit as he ran his fingers through her hair, pulling her closer. The next thing she knew, she was on his lap, straddling him, and kissing him passionately. He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her as close as it was physically possible. So many thoughts were going through her head but she was tipsy enough that none of it mattered.

Before her mind had a chance to register what was happening, she realized that she was up in the air. Kaidan had moved his arms down under her legs, picking her up and walking carefully over to her large bed. It was here that they separated. He leaned in and started placing kisses on her neck, his hands on her shirt, undoing the clasps. She moved her arms as he pulled the cloth up and over her head, tossing it on the floor. His hands then moved behind her to the clasps of her bra, undoing them with ease. The straps slid down her arms like butter, and the chilled air sent goosebumps across her now bare skin.

Cheeks flushed, their chemistry and her body took over, and all thought was thrown out the window. All she knew was that she needed out of the rest of her clothing and she wanted him. She went to work on his clothes as well, and before long they were both completely naked and kissing passionately again. A very thin layer of sweat had coated her forehead, and Kaidan had gotten rather hard. His hands squeezed her hips tightly. She pushed herself up on her knees, lifting one leg to straddle him again, and his tip grazed across her sensitive clit. She moaned softly from the unexpected contact and Kaidan shivered in response. His grip on her tightened as she shifted again, and then together they forced her body as close to his as possible. In doing so, Kaidan slid into her with ease, making Shepard's head spin. He buried his face into her neck, panting, his hot breath making her tingle. She bit her lip as she tightened her legs around his waist, causing him to go as deep inside her as possible.

Kaidan fell backwards onto the bed, pulling her with him, then rolled Shepard over into her back. She gazed up at him as he began to move in and out, slowly as first, taking time and care. She spread her legs a bit further, arching her back at the torturous pace he was going. He leaned down, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss, nibbling on her bottom lip slightly. She moaned breathlessly - he was driving her wild.

The experience was completely new. Similar to their night so many years ago, before their fight with Saren, but it felt so different. It was in both a good and bad way. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't quite get herself to stop thinking about that.

* * *

Kaidan was still asleep as Shepard up in bed slowly. She glanced at his peaceful face for a few moments in silence. Then, running a hand through her messy hair, she got up, gathered together her clothes, and left her cabin.

She couldn't explain her actions. As the elevator took her down to the crew deck, she crossed her arms, frowning. Her mind was racing, her heart pounding, as she walked down that all too familiar walkway. To that door she had stood in front of way too many times. She hesitated. Staring at the door panel, she questioned herself more. She doubted Garrus was awake at this hour. Even if he was, what right did she have to be down here? She was ashamed of herself. If she were truly smart, she'd turn right around and go back upstairs. She'd get back into bed with the man she had just been with, the man she had CHOSEN to be with. Instead, she found herself walking forward, the door opening.

Two figures lifted their heads as she entered. Garrus was standing in his usual place at his console, Tali standing next to him. Tali? She blinked, and then she saw ... Her hand was placed in his. It was intimate. Her heart leaped into her throat. They stated at her, and Garrus opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. She didn't give him the chance. She turned on her heel and walked right back out, storming down the walkway. She heard the door open behind her, and another set of footsteps.

"Shepard!" The voice had dual tones. It was strained. She shut her eyes tightly. This was the last thing she needed. But of course he came after her. She stopped mid-step, fists clenched. This allowed Garrus to catch up with her. He reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, but hovered over it, hesitant. They stood like this for a moment before Shepard finally bit the bullet and turned around. She took a deep breath as she gazed up at his deep blue eyes.

"Shepard..." He looked at her, a mix if confusion and pain in his expression. "What are you..."

"Don't worry about it, Garrus," she interrupted, her voice unintentionally sharp. His mandibles twitched, pressing against his chin sternly. "I'm sorry I stopped by. I'm sorry I interrupted...whatever it was."

She started to turn again. This time Garrus did catch her arm, forcing her to stop and look at him again. His sub-harmonics had a mixture of emotions in them. She could pick up sorrow and anger, from what she had learned over the past few years.

"Shepard..." Garrus was trying to pick his words carefully, calmly. "Jane..."

His use of her first name caused years to appear, brimming along the edge of her eyes. She clenched her fists tighter, forcing her Commander mask to take place, pushing the tears back. This was not the time.

"Jane," he continued. "With all due respect... This was all your choice."

He took a deep breath.

"I respect your choice. I have no right to try and compete with Kaidan. To compete with what the two of you have. I understand. All I could ever hope for is your happiness. I can't, however, sulk in the dark forever. Not with what is at stake."

Shepard shut her eyes. She didn't want to hear this. She felt like she had screwed up. She was too quick to jump back into Kaidan's arms, ignoring the strong feelings she still felt for her turian companion. He was right, she had made her choice. It was here to live with. That didn't mean her heart wasn't breaking as he talked to her. She couldn't get the image of his fingers intertwined with Tali's out of her head.

"I will never respect anyone as much as you," he continued. "And honestly, I doubt I will love anyone as much as I loved you. I do care for Tali, though. A lot. But no matter what, I will always continue to watch your six."

She nodded, not knowing what to say. She took a deep breath and swallowed a lump that was stuck on her throat.

"I understand," she said evenly, trying not to choke on her words. "I'm sorry for barging in, Garrus. Good night."

"Shepard..."

"Good night, Garrus." Her voice was more stern this time around. She walked back to the lift, not encountered by any protests this time. Garrus hung his head and sighed, covering his eyes. He tried silencing his sorrowful subharmonics as he turned to go back into the battery.

* * *

Shepard sat down on the edge her bed gently, trying not to wake the man sleeping on the other side. It would be better if he never knew of her leaving. To no avail, however. She almost jumped when a large hand touched her forearm. She turned, facing Kaidan.

"You okay?" he asked, voice still groggy with sleep. "Where'd you go?"

"Don't worry about it," she said as she slid into bed next to him, giving him a reassuring smile. She didn't want him to know anything about the past 15 minutes. His strong arms slid around her waist, pulling her close as he slipped back into sleep. She leaned into him, closing her eyes.

She loved Kaidan. She did. She just... wasn't prepared to be battling all these emotions she didn't realize she still had for Garrus. She had to accept it and move past it, however. That way, he could move past it. It would be too selfish of her if Garrus couldn't find someone, and be happy.

And if Shepard was anything, it certainly was not selfish.


End file.
